Unless you've been hanging around seduction-based communities it is highly unlikely that you've come across this term. Oneitis is a social disease that affects both males and females, one you can recognize by its ability to prevent individuals from seducing a partner from the opposite sex. Disease might be taking it too far, but it's a psychological condition that clouds people's judgment and prevents them from realizing their best sexual version of themselves.
People suffering from this condition often regard their romantic partners as unique and special, either raising them on a pedestal or developing a specific kind of "needy" relationship that leads them to believe that they couldn't live their lives without the partner.
Additionally this leads individuals to often doubt and worry about what other people think about them, especially their romantic partner. This causes them to be paralyzed when it comes down to being a seductive person and doing the necessary things to attract the other person to themselves.
Similar to what some boys and girls in their teenage years experience. A deep infatuation with a single person. Often idolizing the same person to make it psychologically unreachable, as if the person isn't worthy of attention from the person being idolized.
While initially you might have thought that this is a specific condition that happens to some people, it actually happens to all of us. At one point in life we are so sexually inexperienced and naïve enough to believe that love can simply happen, instead of actively participating in the seduction process.
Experience is a very important part in overcoming oneitis! As an individual goes through their life, having experiences with different people, they start to notice that people are quite similar to each other and the differences between people exist, but they are along the same lines. They've all got interests, hobbies, jobs, habits, which can be different, but in essence represent the same repeatable human characteristics and there is surely another person out there similar enough.
Depending on what your relationship goals are you can enjoy a higher chance of success if you work to eliminate the negative effects of oneitis. An advice is to never cut yourself short and attach to a single person. Keep flirting, talking and engaging with different people all the time, at least in the beginning (even if your goal is to have a monogamist relationship). This will not only open you up to more experiences, but also provide you with a mindset that enables you to see and experience sexual freedom, without being clingy to a person.
Most likely you will meet another person with oneitis, a person that will look at you as a method of satisfying their own needs, thus giving you more responsibilities and value that it is necessary or sometimes even healthy. The only person that is responsible for how you feel is yourself and nobody else. It is your responsibility to manage your life in such a way that your needs are satisfied, regardless of their nature.
Oneitis can occur after ending a long-lasting relationship, causing you to feel like you needed the other person and as if you've lost something so precious, that can never ever again be encountered in your life. This is a lie. A lie that you can uncover by going out and being yourself, flirting with people from the sex that you are interested in and opening up sexually. You will once again feel excited and motivated to share and express yourself.
If you're struggling with Oneitis, a popular method of overcoming this is to practice polyamory for a while, which means that you're open to having multiple relationships at the same time. You can choose to share this fact with every partner that you're having a relationship with and most of them will be okay with it. You probably won't be comfortable in the beginning, but as time progresses and you've had at least ten relationships with this mindset, your oneitis is surely overcome.
One of the common ways that Oneitis presents itself is when you're initially approaching a new person with the intent of arousing sexual interest in them. People afflicted with Oneitis tend to over-analyze, worry and fear the consequences of talking with a person they are interested in. This often leads to passivity which is by itself a pretty devastating outcome.
We can differenciate two different forms of this condition, Initial and Relationship Oneitis. Below we take a look at both of them and explain what they mean.
This is essentially what mainstream calls "a crush", an infatuation, obsession. While in a pure, balanced form this is absolutely okay and can even be a really positive influence on your seductive game. The problem however is when it gets out of this balance, when it grows so much that you cannot contain it even if you tried. It can simply paralyze you, get you thinking that this girl or this guy is the one and you must absolutely not FAIL.
You mustn't do anything that might chase them away. Or at least this is how you feel at the time, you are simply afraid that you are somehow going to lose this person's interest in you.
As you can see, this idea and notion that you must change yourself to accommodate a person who is a total stranger to you. Whose tastes, habits and beliefs are completely unknown to you. Yet you've become incredibly invested.
It's a time bomb. It's a potential breeding ground for negativity and jealousy.
People come and go, and you need to be able to give them the freedom to either stay or go. If you make this space, they will be more inclined to come back eventually.
The simple truth is not to get attached to people and romantic partners in particular. They come and go, and unless they've earned your trust through their actions, there is no need to over-invest your thoughts or emotions towards them.
This can save you a lot of pain and also allow space in your life for plenty of other people, instead of trying to tie down the old, you could be experiencing new and fresh.
If you actually manage to "get" the person you had a crush on, you are in for a bad time in your relationship. At least most of the time, unless you decide to work on these underlying issues and overcome what drags you down.
Essentially relationship Oneitis is a form of dependency on a single person to fulfill your needs. Sex, social circles, information, empathy is something you should be sharing with many people. If you're monogamous you can keep the sex inside your relationship, but for everything else you're simply cutting yourself short by depending on one person.
Additionally you're putting a responsibility to the other person to always be there, when in reality this is absolutely impossible. Enjoying the benefits of your relationship is a great thing, but the anticipation that you can always have these benefits at any moment is a fallacy.
Sometimes it's difficult to recognize if you're suffering from Oneitis, so let me make it easy for you. When you are on the verge of breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, do you get feelings that you "need" him/her?
If yes, then I regret to say that you are indeed suffering from relationship Oneitis.
Not really regret though, since now you have the opportunity to do something about it!
If not, then you understand that you are a free individual capable of achieving and fulfilling your needs in many different ways, with different people. One doesn't need to attach to a single person and cling to every little bit of attention you are getting from them.
Eventually if left unchecked, relationship Oneitis is going to create an intensely negative relationship, filled with selfish feelings of jealousy, controlling and obsession that simply have no place in dating. They are useless and unhealthy.
To resolve relationship Oneitis you need to understand the various needs that the other person fulfils for you, so let's go over most of the common ones together.
Sex - Thinking that you're not going to be able to attract another person to have sex, or that it would be extremely difficult will lead to this condition. Free yourself up mentally and know that no matter what, you will be able to find another mate if need be.
Company - If your partner is the only person with whom you have regular contacts then it is time to change it up. Involve more people in your life, because one person cannot fully satisfy your need for engaging conversation and exchange of ideas.
Fear of loneliness - Sometimes you fear that you won't have a romantic partner, unless you "tie them down" in marriage while still young. People get divorces and kids end up with divorced parents. You cannot force somebody to remain by your side. Please remember this before you end up inflicting a lifelong wound to a person.
Emotional Support - The more you depend on a girl or a guy for emotional support, the more you are open for extremely negative circumstances. It's okay to share once in a while, but you shouldn't have only one person for this. Extend your emotional support and ask for support from people that you know care about you. This way you guarantee that potential breakups will be less difficult, and it secures your independence.
Socializing - If your social circle largely consists of people initially friends with your partner it can cause different fears when a breakup is impending. You might be thinking that you would have to stop communicating with these friends, because of a breakup and it might even keep you in a negative relationship. State your priorities and know that you can always communicate with these people if they are really your friends.
When you create your life around another person, you are inviting disaster to your life. The reason for this is that a person can simply up and vanish, which would leave your life in ruins, since almost everything was based on them.
Symptoms of Oneitis
Below you will find a list of thoughts or desires that can further shine an insight into whether or not you're under the influence of Oneitis. Have a look at it, but know that you can overcome all of these symptoms, as most of them are psychological and completely up to you.
- Constant desire to be right next to your partner
- Always opening up her/his social media profiles to check for something new.
- Obsessing over what and how it was said in your previous conversations.
- Actively fantasizing about the long term future together.
- Worrying about where your partner is and with whom.
- Trying to control your partner and their actions.
- Creating rules and regulations in the relationship.
- Investing too much time investigating your partners previous sex life.
- Calling them up for every little decision that you make
These symptoms often lead to very negative emotions especially if things don't go as planned. Relationships are difficult to plan out by yourself, and people are outside of your proactive zone. You cannot change or directly control what they do, most of the time you should be happy if you could positively influence the other person, but never anything more than that.
These symptoms have no real place in relationships and dating, they are a fallacy, a creation of low confidence and uncertainty. It severely damages your relationship with the other person.
Once you realize this, you are in a position to start building healthy relationships with potential partners, or revitalizing your relationship with the current one. Instead of trying to keep your partner's energy in the relationships, you should be adding your own energy into this connection.
This will inspire your partner to do the same and help you both avoid these pitfalls. While it is usually males who struggle with Oneitis, it can happen to women as well. Girls are naturally more emotionally mature, so they go through this process rather quickly and learn how to overcome their own shortcomings and become a true individual sooner than males.
How to stop Oneitis
You need to convince yourself that you are a desirable person and you would be able to attract and meet other partners regardless of what will happen tomorrow. This will not only help you regain confidence in your abilities to seduce, but also enable you to rejuvenate any relationship that you're in.
Ask yourself, are you dependant on your partner for anything? How soon can you find a suitable replacement for that need?
Pose this question often, and you will find that you are indeed depending on your partner for something, consider the second question and you're on your way to eliminating Oneitis. Be honest with yourself and you will get out of it sooner.
Be aware of the negative emotions that you are feeling in your relationship and understand that they have no realistic value. Their place isn't in the normal process of dating, so don't accept them as a natural part of dating! They are usually gained through a flawed perception of reality and understanding yourself is the first step towards resolving. By being aware of these emotions when they show up, you can get a glimpse towards the real reason they exist in you. They do have a reason, and by applying yourself to resolve what you perceive as a problem, you can overcome both the emotions and what caused them
The way you look, dress, talk and walk will define whether or not you exude with sexual appeal or not. Think about your style and look for ways to improve it. Try to figure out how to express yourself through clothing, smells and actions. Strive to become authentic, as this is always sexy.
After raising the standards for yourself, raise the standards for the women you want in your life. Most of the time this condition "Oneitis" appears when dealing with women high above your current standards. By making yourself more attractive, you gain both social freedom and higher quality people in your life. This will free up any doubt in your mind as to whether or not you are "worthy" of any particular girl.
There are ways to supplement yourself, which can be a pretty efficient solution until you acquire more experience. Substances like Phenibut can help you increase your mood and stabilize you. This will help with your initial attempts and also help you cope better with rejection.
One thing to remember is to always look at yourself as a project in progress. With time as you date more and meet more and more women, you are inevitably going to get better. You need to keep going though, and having this thought that you are indeed a work in progress will help motivate you in the long run.
In the end, avoid making everything about her. Create a vision for yourself and get her to ride along with you on your journey towards achieving this vision. It is difficult to set and follow your passion, but you need to be really strong about this and you shouldn't make any compromise that will significantly lower the chances of achieving your number one priority.